My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death, the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."
I hate street performers...
Then again, I'm a mime, so I can't really talk.
Jazz always reminds me of the time I kicked a one man band down a flight of stairs.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on band wagons.
"Oh, everyone seems to be borrowing that one"
Waterstone's are promoting a new range of books from Muslim authors now, titles include;
"Finding a job" by Oyeah Asif
"Cooking Curry" by Ahmed Astink
"Easy DIY" by Mahroof Isfukd
"Inbreeding" by Ishag Masistah
along with their hot tip for best seller
"justice for muslims" by Shahoot Dhakunt
Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'

And so the new series of Big Brother is here, earlier I put a £1000 bet on Paddy Doherty to win, there's no evicting a gypsy!
Jedward and a pool, where's Barrymore when you need him,eh? I really wish their parents had called them Peter & Rick, I love the Albanian name Reter. I went to a fancy dress party once, I decided to trick people into thinking I'm John from 'Jedward' by being Edward from 'Jedward.
Mrs Hasselhoff is in, you know, she's married to the giant German/American kids toy that just repeats the same 6 phrases over and over
Jordan decided not to go in the BB house, rumours are circling that her latest relationship is on the rocks, however, Madonna apparently has first dibs on Harvey should things get bad. Failing that Man City have offered to offload Shaun Wright Phillips to her Madge.
Over in Chile, their Big Brother series has started, 33 Men trapped down a mine surviving on minuscule rations and living in a small room until Christmas
Who will be the last one alive? You decide.

Doctor Who starts this weekend, The Daleks are an evil alien race, hellbent on world domination. They will exterminate anything or anybody that stands in their way. Their only emotion is hatred. Hatred of any non believer.Sound familiar?
Pure coincidence then that their leader, Dalek Khan, has an Islamic name.

I think it's really dangerous how all these shops and public buildings all have wheelchair access.
Don't they realise that the earth is now wide open to invasion by Daleks.

Simon Cowell isn't on the panel for this years X Factor, he is too busy with his other show aimed at showcasing the talents of this countries unemployed population- it's called Bone Idol.

And finally... 

The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.
It really was a vile inn.

A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door, then to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from the pub. he literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
"Yeah, why? How do you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Good night, people.

Why don't British people refer to where they live like the Americans?
For instance, Boston Mass
                    Phoenix Arizona
                    Brandonburg Kentucky

What could we have? Hmmm, let me see,
                    Exeter Devon
                    Manchester Lancashire
                    Leatherhead Surrey.
Nah, East Ham Merseyside sounds too silly. Besides which, a sea of Burberry has descended upon you & robbed you blind in the time it takes someone to advise you you've strayed into Croxteth.
Besides which, we are too different a nation to America, they have American football, we have football
                                                                                     they have baseball, we have rounders
                                                                                     they have Florida, we have Norwich
                                                                                     they have bull riding, we have badger baiting.
I may be joking around a bit here, however, who needs Las Vegas? We've got Blackpool, home of the Tower Ballroom, the Pepsi max rollercoaster ride & the tram that run Alan Bradley over.
Disney world is no better than Alton Towers, you still get kids moaning at their parents for this, that and the other. Once there was a bloke at Disney World and he turned to me all red faced and sweating and said" I'm having a really shit time here, all he wants me to do is carry him around". Mind you, he had forgotten the kids wheelchair.
I pushed my wife down the water channel at Alton Towers.
She was fluming!
My wife and I had a row at Alton Towers when she refused to believe i'd seen an X-men on one of the rides.It was a Storm in a teacup

They're no fun at these places anymore, I was ramming this  girl up the arse the other day.
"Oi, any more of that and you're off the dodgems," shouted the fairground owner.

There was  gay couple at the fairground and one of them decides to go on the merry-go-round. After going round and around a few times, his horse breaks and he comes spinning off, crashes into a wall and lands in a heap of tangled wood and metal.
His boyfriend runs over to him, "Oh Quinten, Quinten are you hurt?"
"Hurt? Hurt??" he replies. "Of course I'm hurt. I went around five times and you didn't wave to me once."

And the food is supposed to be terrible at these places, all processed & unnatural, all this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, once at Pleasure Island in Cleethorpes, I had a delicious leg of salmon.

Anyway, time for bed. Til next time...

Why do people bring in grapes for someone in hospital? Isn't the poor sod in enough pain without being visually reminded of his/her back end plight?
Red grapes are worse! They don't half look sore, don't they?
Christ, if they were hanging out your arse you'd rather die than have some hairy fisted temp pushing them back up.
Oranges are innocent.
Apart from Blood oranges.
And plums! They're an angry red colour aren't they? The same colour as John Prescotts face when he's climbing out of a chair.

Everyday Ramblings of an Over Active Mind: Natwest,

Everyday Ramblings of an Over Active Mind: Natwest,: "A woman spent 35 years working for Natwest bank. She was recently made redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days outside..."

Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman...

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"

Natwest,

A woman spent 35 years working for Natwest bank. She was recently made redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.

Doctors say she's just suffering from withdrawal symptoms