And so the new series of Big Brother is here, earlier I put a £1000 bet on Paddy Doherty to win, there's no evicting a gypsy!
Jedward and a pool, where's Barrymore when you need him,eh? I really wish their parents had called them Peter & Rick, I love the Albanian name Reter. I went to a fancy dress party once, I decided to trick people into thinking I'm John from 'Jedward' by being Edward from 'Jedward.
Mrs Hasselhoff is in, you know, she's married to the giant German/American kids toy that just repeats the same 6 phrases over and over
Jordan decided not to go in the BB house, rumours are circling that her latest relationship is on the rocks, however, Madonna apparently has first dibs on Harvey should things get bad. Failing that Man City have offered to offload Shaun Wright Phillips to her Madge.
Over in Chile, their Big Brother series has started, 33 Men trapped down a mine surviving on minuscule rations and living in a small room until Christmas
Who will be the last one alive? You decide.

Doctor Who starts this weekend, The Daleks are an evil alien race, hellbent on world domination. They will exterminate anything or anybody that stands in their way. Their only emotion is hatred. Hatred of any non believer.Sound familiar?
Pure coincidence then that their leader, Dalek Khan, has an Islamic name.

I think it's really dangerous how all these shops and public buildings all have wheelchair access.
Don't they realise that the earth is now wide open to invasion by Daleks.

Simon Cowell isn't on the panel for this years X Factor, he is too busy with his other show aimed at showcasing the talents of this countries unemployed population- it's called Bone Idol.

And finally... 

The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.
It really was a vile inn.

A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door, then to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from the pub. he literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
"Yeah, why? How do you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Good night, people.